A Gravity Falls Christmas Carol
by Rewind 1.3
Summary: Christmas in July is almost here and there's a party going at at the church downtown hosted by Grunkle Stan and Pastor Sam. Everybody in Gravity Falls is going...except for Great Uncle Ford who just can't seem to get into the Christmas spirit. Luckily, Bill decides that he should take on the mantel of ghosts of Christmas past, present and fut-wait what?DISCONTINUED UP FOR ADOPTION!


Saturday morning had come to the town of Gravity Falls. The sun shown over the army of trees in the forest bringing a mixture of yellow, orange and pink to the skies. A stray gnome for some reason was near the shack and found an open tin tan halfway filled with Chef Girl Xerezes's spaghetti and meatballs.

The gnome sniffs the food inside the can. The little bearded creature's mouth started to water at the scent as his stomach growled. He picks up the can and starts chowing down on the canned good. With no utensils, the gnome was force to use his hand. Although with or without a fork the tiny man would still get tomato sauce all over his face and stuck in his little white beard. The gnome appears to have really enjoyed the prepackaged food for he tried to lap up all of the tomato sauce residue from the insides.

The gnome pauses when he heard a "Baaaah!". The gnome slowly looks to his right and finds Gompers the goat a few yards away staring intently at him, more specifically, at the can in his hands.

The magical and non-magical creatures glared at each other and stood their ground like a bizarre western film with animals instead of people. A makeshift tumbleweed of twigs and leaves even skitters across the ground as the winds pushed it south, rolling away as if were scared of the humorous conflict that should soon follow.

After what might have been five minutes of glaring and huffing, Gompers took a step forward causing the gnome to take a step back. Another step forward, another step back.

Forward, back.

Forward, back.

Forward, back.

Until the goat decided enough was enough and that he wanted that tin can at that exact moment, the non-magical horned creature gave chase. The gnome runs away in panic clutching the can to his chest shouting, "Mine! Mine! My can, mine!"

Standing at the kitchen window, leaning over the counter to do so, Ford Pines, scientist, Ph.D and artist, observes the ensuing chase with unrivaled curiosity. The man took notes from the creatures' motives to the tactics they used during the chase. The scientist smiles in mirth at the scene outside. While this is supposed to be a science experiment, influenced by a saying from Mabel, it seemed more like television without a box or electricity.

Ok, scratch out electricity. The gnome just got struck by lightening.

The gnome had dropped the can from being struck down by heaven above and Gompers saw this as the opportunity to take the can-only to be shocked on the mouth by the electrons stills gathered in the aluminum alloy.

Ford laughs at the goat's and gnome's misery. Yes, he knows it was cruel to do so but it was basic physics so simple that could have avoided the predicament that made him laugh. Animals don't know not to touch metal after an electrical current had just flown right through it.

The crackling of thunder brought Ford out of his thoughts. Dark clouds came rolling in to cover the blue sky so no one but the clouds and the sun itself can see its beauty.

Ford thought that it might rain today. But then again, summer rains, you can't predict them. No matter what the weather man says he's just as clueless as a dog with a bucket stuck on its head. Or Stanley with a bucket on his head.

A feeling of bitter sweetness settles in the man heart but he pushes the memory to the back of his mind and buries it by reciting facts about the hydrolic cycle. He sighs in relief when the aching subsides. It always hurt too much to think about the past. Logic and knowledge is what Ford believes is the answer to everything. It took his pain away when he needed it to and gave him a sense of security at just knowing.

Knowledge is good. Knowledge is the key. Logic and knowledge. Ford's two best friends for his entire life. Logic and knowledge, the twins.

That was a bad choice of words for Ford buried his face in his six-fingered hands. He could barely think of anything without his brother coming to mind. He didn't want to admit how much he had missed Stanley. Confronting his feelings with his brother will surely break the dam he has built up around the festering emotions of forty years. However, Ford still had the Rift to worry about. An emotional breakdown is the last thing the dimension traveler needed.

He loves his brother, that he won't deny. He always have and always will. Its just that...Ford...he doesn't really know how to deal with family matters anymore. Spending a generation and a half off of planet Earth had taken a toll on his familiarity with his own dimension making his own home feel more alien than all of the aliens and monsters he encountered on his travels. His brother, while familiar, is a different person than he was before. Ford had no doubt that that was the case with himself. The both of them have changed over the years.

Ford huffs as he goes to grab a wine glass from the cabinet and takes out a 2-liter bottle of root beer. As he pours the drink into the circular figure of the glass he realizes how silly it would look to other people. There's a long story behind this but to put it short, and also the main reason, Ford prefers the fizz of a soda rather than alcohol burning his throat.

He always hated it. The product of fermented yeast never brought anything but trouble to the holder and everyone around it.

Ford ran his fingers through his graying cowlick. He picks up the glass to take a sip but drops the glass to the floor when he heard Mabel screaming from the living room. Stan and Dipper's yelps follows shortly after.

Panicked and on impulse, Ford makes a grab his gun but realizes he left it in the basement in his labcoat. Cursing at himself for not being prepared, he takes a butcher knife from one of the kitchen drawers and rushes to living room shouting, "What is it? What happened? Can the creature be subdued by compassion or aggression?" at motormouth speed.

Dipper and Mabel looked at Ford, then at each other before bursting out into fits of giggles and laughter. Ford blushes slightly in confusion before lowering the knife to his side, "I-I don't understand."

"Great Uncle Ford," Mabel said snickering, "those weren't screams of terror, they were screams of excitement."

"Except for Stan and I," Dipper says, "Mabel startled us awake."

"More or less of a chain reaction because I had my hearing aid off so I could take a nap," Stan added.

"So you _weren't_ watching "The Marked Ones" with us," Mabel pointed an accusing finger at her Grunkle, pouting.

"Kid," Stan huffs as if they've been through this a hundred times, "if I can't see Casper I won't watch it."

"But Casper isn't in this movie." Mabel argues.

"It was a figure of speech."

Ford butted in yelling, "Will someone please tell me why I had to run in here with a knife thinking my family was in danger?"

Mabel beams, "Oh! I accidentally changed the channel."

"And then you screamed?" Ford scratches the back of his head with his free hand in confusion.

"Hold on," Mabel's got all bubbly, "I'm getting to that. I accidentally changed the channel to the news and, guess what? Gravity Falls is having Christmas in July! Can you believe that?! And its in two days!"

"Christmas?" Dipper's eyes lit up like the Christmas lights they're gonna have Soos bring out.

"Chri-Christmas," Ford repeated stiffly, rubbing at the his right elbow.

"Kid, people say stuff like that just so stores and other places can make a profit," Stan's relaxes back into his recliner chuckling, "not too shabby if you ask me. And a two day warning you say? Wow, they're really gonna milk 'em this year."

Dipper makes a noise of disgust, "That doesn't sound right."

"Get your head out of the gutter," Mabel playfully shoves Dipper but her brother wasn't prepared for it so he was knocked over. "So are we going to celebrate Christmas this month? Can we? Can we? Can we?" Dipper sits back up and joins the chant with Mabel.

Stan holds his hand up to silence the children, "Alright, alright," the old man stand up, a few bones popping in the process, "only if you stop begging like that. You two are starting to sound like broken records crossed with a stutterer."

"Yay!" Dipper and Mabel cheered, jumping to their feet in excitement. They ran up to Ford and Mabel asks, "Great Uncle Ford, are you going to celebrate Christmas in July with us?"

"Yeah, are you going to celebrate with us Great Uncle Ford," Dipper and Mabel had the hands clasped together big bright, brown eyes shining with hope, high-lighted by the even larger grins on their face.

Ford only stood there shyly looking at the spirited faces of his niece and nephew. "Um...I-uh...um...I..." the twins waited patiently for their answer and also curious as to why it was taking so long to receive one. Ford raises his hand up to scratch the side of his head to help him think of something to tell them. He pauses when he realizes the knife was in that hand. "I'm-going to go put this back in the kitchen. Since there's no emergency." Ford rushes back into the kitchen before any of them could interrogate him.

Mabel and Dipper looked at each other, then at their Grunkle Stan. "What was that all about," they asked him simultaneously.

Stan shrugs, "Beats me, Ford's always weird."

Soos then barges in through the front door all giddy and Soos-like.

"Dudes, dudes! Have you heard the news?"

"Soos," Stan says in a stern tone, "what have I told you about barging into my house without knocking?"

"Oh, sorry Mr. Pines," Soos backs back outside closing the door. He knocks on the door and barges in again. "Dudes, dudes! Have you heard the news?"

"Soos," Mabel imitates her uncle's tone of voice, "what have I told you about knocking without someone answering?"

"Oh, sorry dude," the large man backs out again, knocks again but this time Soos waited for someone to answer. Mabel does so. "Dudes, dudes! Have you heard the-"

"Oh come on, man," Stan exasperates, "out with it!"

"Christmas is coming in two days," Soos was practically oozing happy when he blurted, "in July!"

Stan walks over to his employee, "Soos, you've already known about Christmas in July for years. Why are you so giddy about it this year?"

"Because we've these two to celebrate it with," Soos bends down to bring the twins into his arms, "and we can take them to that church you go to sometimes."

"Uh, Soos? Why don't you go get the Christmas decorations from the supply closet," Stan nervously spoke over Soos at the end of the manchild's sentence. The conman gave Soos a a pleading look that took a moment to register in man child's brain to get what his boss meant.

"Oooh," Soos looks down at the kids in his arm, "you two want to help me with the decorations? We can make gingerbread and sugar cookies shaped like Christmas trees." He drags out in a tempting tone.

Dipper wanted to know Stan was acting suspicious but Mabel beat him by shrieking, "Gingerbread!" excitedly and drags him towards the direction of the supply closet before Soos could even blink.

Stan sighs in relief, wiping away non-existent sweat from his brow, "Whew, that was close."

In the kitchen

When ford had ran back into the kitchen he accidentally stepped on the broken wine glass he had dropped earlier. Pinching the bridge of his nose, the scientist huffs, puts the butcher knife away and started cleaning up the mess he left. As he was cleaning, Ford contemplates why he felt so uncomfortable talking about Christmas.

Number one, why is it in July? Ford knows he's been gone for a long time and that things have changed since the early 1980s, but really? In July? Right after Independence Day? He glad Dtqn gave an economical reason. But who comes up with this stuff?

Number two, since he's been gone for such a long time he doesn't see the need to celebrate it and even if he wanted partake in the Christian holiday he couldn't because he has work to do and a Rift to protect in the basement.

And lastly number three, as he has gotten older Ford's had really bad luck during the Christmas holiday. He doesn't know why but in one way or another something always goes wrong and Ford ends up being the victim of the moment's blunder. Whether it be hanging upside-down by the Christmas lights until he or a passerby can get set him free or trying to find his Christmas dinner but somehow finds himself being chased by junkyard dogs that wants his turkey. One of those dogs have actually manage to bite him in the butt leaving teeth marks in his left cheek that he could still see in the mirror to this day. So basically he abstains himself from that time of the year out of fear and paranoia rather than 'other' reasons that obviously play a part in it.

Ford dumps the broken glass into the trash can and wipes up the soda on the floor. He wonders what he's going to do about this whole "Christmas in July" bit. He's not going to join his family that's fir sure. Maybe he can keep himself busy locked in the basement until this ridiculous celebration clears out. Yeah, he can do that.

Satisfied with the cleanliness of the kitchen floor, Ford grabs his notepad and pencil, experiment completely out of mind as he heads back to the gift shop to go back into the nerd cave.

Except when he enters the living room he didn't look where he was going and tripped and fell. He was so surprised that he couldn't regain his balance in time so he landed face first into the carpet, the silver lining of his already forming dark cloud.

Groaning, Ford looks back to what had caused his fall. A frown creased his features when he saw the artificial tree laying in pieces on the living room floor.

Great, the bad Christmas streak proceeds.


End file.
